I Want You To Want To' Hits Different When You're A Therapist (SEXLESS MARRIAGE)
If your marriage is sexless, when did you stop showing up for it?
Most people inside a sexless marriage spend their energy pointing outward. At their partner's low libido. At the rejection. At the slow, painful withdrawal of desire. But what if the harder truth is that you helped build this? What if you are, at least in part, the problem?
In this episode, Lottie and Elliot use a scene from The Break-Up (2006) "I want you to want to do the dishes", to unpack one of the most uncomfortable conversations in couples therapy: the moment a person realises they may have been the silent architect of their own intimacy drought.
Whether you're facing marriage problems you can't quite name, trying to understand a relationship that's gone cold, or sitting with the aftermath of an affair, this conversation will challenge the story you've been telling yourself.
There has to be an I before We.
Key topics:
The concept of bids for connection and how they often go unheard
How mental load and emotional disconnection impact bid recognition
Differentiating between love languages and the mismatch of acts and expectations
How avoidance, contempt, and silence undermine intimacy and connection
The importance of safe communication and vulnerability in hearing bids
Practical strategies like Imago dialogue to reconnect and clarify needs
How perceived rejection or neglect often fuels disconnection
The role of co-creation in understanding and repairing relationship ruptures
The influence of gender socialization and emotional suppression on communication
Strategies for couples to write their own scripts instead of relying on family of origin patterns
Timestamps:
00:00 - Unheard bids for connection when sex and intimacy are removed from the relationship
00:12 - The daily bid: asking for help with household chores as a form of connection
00:45 - Recognizing the importance of non-verbal and subtle bids
01:09 - The therapist’s role in coaching clients to hear and interpret bids
01:32 - Mental load and misconceptions around what constitutes a bid for connection
02:55 - The significance of support, presence, and shared activities as bids
03:26 - The impact of love languages and personal preferences in acts of connection
04:02 - Addressing mismatched love languages leading to disconnection
04:46 - Shadows of love deficiencies, contempt, and dysfunction in relationships
05:43 - Destructive patterns like contempt and apathy diminishing emotional closeness
06:57 - Avoidance and conflict avoidance as barriers to hearing bids
07:28 - The importance of consideration and empathy in fostering connection
08:04 - Self-awareness and non-judgment as foundational for hearing and responding to bids
09:12 - When sex is off the table, how bids for emotional and physical connection persist
09:41 - The influence of betrayal, guilt, and resentment on connection bids
10:28 - The danger of neglecting or dismissing bids, leading to emotional numbness
11:33 - Men’s and women’s tendencies to communicate differently, affecting bid recognition
12:41 - Practical tools like the Imago dialogue for effective communication
13:41 - Addressing emotional safety as the cornerstone of hearing and responding to bids
14:49 - How relationship scripts are written and how they can be intentionally re-authored
15:46 - The mother-and-child dynamic during conflict and its impact on adult relationships
16:49 - The importance of addressing unspoken issues and creating space for safe dialogue
17:47 - The role of therapy in uncovering underlying causes of bid misinterpretation
18:48 - Recognising that sex and intimacy issues often stem from lack of communication
19:42 - Pre-marital and relationship readiness discussions around expectations and connection
20:54 - Gender differences in emotional expression and vulnerability
23:44 - Cultural and societal influences on men’s emotional sharing
25:21 - The dichotomy of what couples want: vulnerability versus safety
26:44 - The possibility of writing a new relationship script away from family of origin patterns
28:33 - Expanding intimacy beyond sex to include playful, romantic, and supportive gestures
30:46 - Recognising unaddressed dissatisfaction can lead to betrayal or affairs
34:32 - Nurturing desire through responsive and intentional communication
35:58 - Engaging the audience with questions about future formats like live
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